


The Snake Charmer

by awkward_ace



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, M/M, Pets, Romance, snakes in this mofo castle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 02:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12147015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkward_ace/pseuds/awkward_ace
Summary: Alternate title: The Adventures of Daisy Snake, a most Adorable and Charming Reptile of the Serpent VarietyThe Inquisitor has a new pet. She adores her new pet, and likes to keep her close. Very close. Her best friend got it for her as a gift, and no one told Cullen, so he had to find out the hard way. Cullen isn't sure he approves--but the pet certainly does approve of him.





	The Snake Charmer

Riki-Tiki-Tavi best not show his furry face here

 

“I will have a copy of the plans on your desk by this evening, Inquisitor,” Josephine said, tucking her pen behind her ear, “If you could return any revisions to me by…say day after tomorrow?”

“Of course, Josie. Thank you.”

“My pleasure. If you will excuse me,” the Ambassador bobbed a little curtsy and walked from the war room, closing the door behind her quietly, leaving Cullen and the Inquisitor by themselves in the room.

She had her arms folded over her chest, a fingertip tapping her lips thoughtfully as she eyed the map, at a cluster of markers that noted where their soldiers currently were. Cullen watched her for a moment, smiling faintly, before reaching over to set a hand on her waist and pull her a little closer to him, leaned in to kiss her temple softly. Her hair was waving a little, still damp from a wash, and smelled like elderflower.

“Hm-m?” she said, leaning into him.

“Nothing,” he replied quietly, “Just glad to have a moment.”

She hummed in agreement, tilting her head as he kissed softly under her ear, along her jaw. Her arms uncrossed, one of her hands moving to rest gently on his neck.

“Could allying with an Avvar tribe in the Frostbacks get our men through them faster?” she asked.

“One tribe? Doubtful.”

“So…what? Two or three? I could do that.”

“Whatever you’re thinking,” he murmured, tightening his arm around her, “The answer is _no_.”

“You don’t even know what I’m thinking!”

“It’s reckless and dangerous. No.”

“Fine, I’ll talk to Leliana and Josie first. Then we can revisit this issue.”

“Of course, Inquisitor.”

She made a face at him, and he smiled, turned to face her and pull her into him. Felt her sigh quietly and melt into him as he kissed her tenderly.

“Still going to revisit this,” she grumbled when he pulled back. Cullen kissed her again, lightly, acknowledging the grumble, and then turned his attention to working softly down her throat. It had been a few days since they could get a proper bit of time alone, and he wanted to make the most of it, to kiss every bit of her she would allow him.

Something warm and smooth brushed against his jaw, a faint tickle against his skin, and he pulled back a little, brow furrowed.

A small, golden-brown head peeked out from the collar of her shirt, little yellow eyes staring at him. A forked tongue flicked into the air, tasting.

“ _Augh!”_ Cullen jerked back in alarm, straightening, “ _What in the Maker’s name!?”_

Pria blinked, then smiled almost sheepishly, “Oh! I forgot she was there—she was asleep. Cullen, meet Daisy. Dorian gave her to me—she’s a ball python.”

The man stared in astonishment and a little disbelief as the snake slid further into view, head peeping out of her collar and along her shoulder. He suppressed a shudder.

“Dorian gave you a snake.”

“Yes. They’re popular in Tevinter, apparently. She’s sweet.”

“I see. Is it—”

“She.”

He sighed. “Is ‘she’…venomous?”

“Oh, no. Pythons aren’t venomous at all! They’re constrictors.”

“What.”

“Constrictors. They ambush their prey, wrap around them and…” she squeezed her hands together, “Suffocate them.”

That wasn’t better. That actually might have been a little worse than venomous. Slowly dying, feeling each breath get harder and harder as everything squeezed in around you—he shook his head, trying to ignore the faint cold sweat that had broken out across his back.

“H-how big will…Daisy, get?”

“Five feet at most, I think Dorian said. They’re a smaller species.”

“How…wonderful,” he managed, voice a little tight.

It was not wonderful. This was the opposite of wonderful. There was a Maker-damned _snake_ coiling around her neck, one that _constricted_ its food to death.

“Cullen? Cullen, are you alright? You look…pale,” Pria said, gently setting a hand against his cheek.

Daisy began to slither her way up Pria’s arm and Cullen jerked back in alarm. Daisy froze, her neck jerking back into a sinewy “s” shape, her body coiling around Pria’s arm in a tight ball.

“Cullen, be careful! She might bite if she’s startled!”

“She’s startled?” Cullen said, staring incredulously. “Pria, are there any other creatures hiding on your person? I’d like a little warning if there are, next time I try and kiss you.”

The elf laughed and leaned into him. “I’ll try and warn you,” she teased before kissing him softly. He could only half-focus on her mouth because half his mind was occupied with the snake that was still coiled around her arm, and it was closer to him than he cared for. “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” she murmured warmly as she pulled back.

“I love you, too,” he answered, automatically, still keeping one eye on the reptile.

“I have to meet with Leliana. I’ll see you for dinner?”

He finally dragged the rest of his attention back to her, took her free hand to kiss her knuckles, “You will.”

She smiled again, and gave him another kiss before stepping back and heading for the door, gently coaxing Daisy back around her neck and under her collar.

Cullen waiting for a few moments after she was gone before walking towards the door as well. He had a few things to say to a certain Tevene mage.

*****

The light in Dorian’s usual cozy alcove of the library darkened. And it also seemed to get a bit chillier. The mage looked up from his book, arching an elegant eyebrow, and found the Commander standing near him, glaring rather impressively.

“What a lovely surprise, Commander,” he said genially, “And what a flesh-peeling glower. Can I help you?”

“You gave Pria a _fucking snake for a pet_?” Cullen growled, “ _Really,_ Dorian?!”

Dorian blinked once, slowly, “What? Daisy?”

“Yes,” came the caustic reply, “ _Daisy._ ”

“Of course I gave her to Pria. Puppies and kittens are so…conventional. Besides, nothing does for the image like a serpent wrapped around one’s shoulders at important meetings!”

“You could have gotten her literally _anything_ else.”

“The other choice was a little monkey and those disgusting flea-bags _bite_. And get into _everything_. Trust me, Commander, Daisy was the best choice.”

Dorian watched with amusement as the other man took a deep, controlling breath and slowly let it out, pinching at the bridge of his nose. The mage raised his eyebrows, let a grin sneak onto his face, “Not a fan of snakes, are you?”

“I’ve never really had the occasion to be near one, and I prefer it that way.”

“Oh, tut, ser! Don’t be so close minded,” Dorian chided, shaking his finger at Cullen, “I think you’ll find Daisy to be a charming little creature, once you give her the chance. Surely anything that Pria is so taken with can’t be all bad, wouldn’t you agree?”

“There is an _undead_ horse in the stable that says you are _wrong_.”

Dorian paused for a moment and have that some consideration before shrugging, “Alright, surely anything _living_ that Pria is so taken with can’t be all bad?”

“Valiant.”

The great, wild hart, docile-seeming enough from a distance, rather hated anyone other than the Inquisitor and _occasionally_ master Dennet getting near him. He had sent one stable hand to the infirmary for stitches and sent a few others flying with a flick of his massive antlers.

“…Fine. _Almost_ anything living—”

“Loki.”

Loki the Frostback Mountain Horse. Coal black with fiery eyes. No one was quite sure how the hell the Inquisitor had managed to get the animal to mind her, but mind her he did, and no one else. His more common name, outside of her ear shot, was “the Hell-Beast”.

“Now you’re being picky.”

“Vladmilla.”

A beautiful gold-and-cream Desert Lightning dracolisk with bloody red eyes who was just as mean-spirited as her spines and horns looked and as fast as her name implied. Dennet called her “the Vampire Bitch” because of her propensity for biting and clawing, and anyone who met Vladmilla swore they could see her working things out in that scaly head of hers.

Dorian stared at him, “Are you quite finished?”

“Cyrus.”

Cyrus was a earthy brown colored Basking Longma dracolisk, and was Vladmilla’s mate, and that was the only reason he was deemed the more mild-mannered of the Inquisitor’s dracolisks. Instead of actively trying to draw blood, Cyrus seemed to take great pleasure in reducing people to tears of frustration and despair or just utterly breaking their will. He was more stubborn than a mule and frighteningly intelligent.

Dorian sighed. “Alright, fine, so our lovely Pria has a habit of liking ill-behaved creatures,” he conceded, “But I can assure you, Daisy is as sweet as honey. Just mind how fast you move, speak softly, and before you know it, she’ll probably be napping around your shoulders, happy as a nug in a flower field.”

“ _No. More. Pets. Dorian._ ”

“This is the only one!”

“No more!”

“I feel you’re being overly-dramatic.”

“ _Dorian_.”

“Alright, Commander, the next time I decide to give her a living creature, I will run it by you, first.”

Cullen made an irritated sound, “I am holding you personally responsible if anything goes wrong with that… _creature_.”

“You aren’t much for animals are you? I thought Fereldans were supposed to like them.”

Another irritated, unintelligible sound escaped the Commander, and he turned on his heel, stalking out of the library, leaving a chortling mage behind him.

“Come back soon, Commander!” Dorian called after him, “I do so adore our little chats!”

*****

Having stripped himself of his armor and surcoat, Cullen let himself fall onto the bed face first with a faint groan. _Maker, what a day_.

Filled with meetings, unending reports, a sad new lot of recruits that were more suited to holding pitchforks and swords, and to top it off, a scaly new pet. He turned his head with a sigh and closed his eyes, wondering what hellish behavior this creature would display.

Pria walked in from her balcony, saw him lying on her bed and smiled. “How about I call for dinner to be brought up here?” she asked. Her smile widened as he barely lifted a hand in an affirmative gesture, let it drop down, and she walked over to pull the bell cord near her desk before moving to crawl onto the mattress and straddle his waist.

Cullen sighed heavily in pleasure as she began to massage his back, running her hands up along his spine to knead his shoulders and neck. “ _Maker_ , I love you,” he mumbled into the furs.

“I’m aware,” she sounded amused, but he figured she could laugh all she wanted as long as she kept doing what she was doing.

Her hands continued working over his back, finding hidden knots and carefully working them loose, until there was a knock on her door and she moved to answer. He could hear her speak quietly to someone at the door, something about food and what sounded like raw eggs? The door shut quietly a moment later, and then she was back by his side soon after that.

“Food will be brought presently,” she told him.

“Mm. Did you say something about eggs?” he asked curiously, without bothering to move from his relaxed sprawl.

“Yes. They’re for Daisy.”

Cullen’s eyes opened.

Daisy. The snake. That creature that Dorian had gotten her. How the hell could he have _forgotten_ so easily?

The thing was probably still around her neck!

He sat up, suddenly, and turned, eyeing her collar warily, “Where is it?”

Pria raised an eyebrow and undid a few buttons on her shirt, letting it fall open. “She,” she said, a bit sternly, and there she was, the little serpent curled contently around her neck, head draped along the elf’s clavicle, her tail dipping down and between her breasts.

Cullen did not know it was possible to feel a little jealous of an animal until right that moment.

“Must you…do that?” he asked. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“It’s the best way for her to get acquainted with me, and no, not really—she’s too small yet to do much damage.”

“Yet.”

“By the time she’s bigger, she’ll be used to me.” She looked him over thoughtfully and frowned, “You don’t like her, do you?”

“I would…prefer distance, yes.”

“Why?”

He gave her a flat, incredulous look. “ _Why_? Snakes aren’t typically considered friendly, Pria,” he said dryly. “And I’m not comfortable with something that _suffocates_ its food hanging around _your_ neck.”

“My dracolisks do worse to their food, and you’re alright with me riding them around.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘alright’ so much as past the point of arguing about it.”

She sighed in slight exasperation and shifted to sit more comfortably, crossing her legs as she did so, “Come here, Cullen.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re going to handle her.”

“I am most decidedly _not_ going to do that.”

“She won’t hurt you. She isn’t aggressive, and she isn’t cold and slimy and scary. She’s…she’s an oversized noodle who happens to eat rats.”

“No. Thank you.”

“Cullen.”

“Pria.”

“Just touch her, then. Baby steps.”

He grimaced and she gave him a _look_. “She’s not going anywhere, vhenan, same as my mounts. You might as well learn to at least tolerate her,” she said. When he still hesitated, she leaned forward and set a hand delicately on his thigh and slid it up, squeezing playfully. The muscle tensed under her hand as he drew in a sharp breath, and she leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose. “Please, honey-tongue?” she purred softly, “For me?”

“That is _not fair_.”

She kissed him softly, barely nipping at his lip, and pressed her forehead into his, stared at him beseechingly. He stared back for a long moment before sighing out a heavy, exasperated breath, “Maker take it, _fine_.”

Pria smiled warmly, dropped another soft kiss against his mouth and leaned back, moving her hand from his thigh to take his as she scooted closer, raising their hands to Daisy’s head. His arm tensed, but he did not pull away and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “Just let her get your scent, first,” she advised as the little python started moving, raising her head, flicking her tongue into the air and casting around with interest.

Cullen became aware that his breathing had gone a little shallow and instead focused on trying to draw in deep, quiet breaths, and not pay that much attention to the snake. He shuddered as there was a feathery tickle against his fingertips, a pause, and then another.

Pria laughed quietly. “He does smell good, doesn’t he, girl?” she teased, tossing a playful look at him, one that he returned with an affectionate mix of annoyance and amusement.

Daisy lifted up more, her entire neck and some of her body coming away from its hiding spot under the elf’s shirt, and before either elf or human could react, the python had slithered her way across Pria’s hand and coiled herself around Cullen’s arm.

Cullen immediately tensed, bracing himself for a bite or something unpleasant…and instead found that the smooth scales on the snake’s belly only tightened fractionally as she breathed or as he shifted, just enough for her to keep her place. Her tongue flickered out again as she settled. She weighed hardly anything, and the area around the back of her jaw was sort of…chubby.

“Uhm,” he said, lamely.

Pria smiled rather triumphantly. “Told you so,” she sing-songed, and slid off the bed to answer the knock at the door.

“Now what?” he asked.

She didn’t answer until she reappeared at the top of the steps again, largish tray in hand, which she set on the bed before crawling next to him again. “Now we eat,” she replied, picking up a raw egg from a little bowl on the tray, waving it in front of the snake’s snout. “You have to let loose, Daisy. You can cuddle him later.”

Daisy seemed to weigh that, not moving for several seconds before she lifted her head, followed the egg as Pria lowered it. “Lower your arm, Cullen, otherwise she’ll fall off,” she said.

He did as she bade, resting his hand on the firs, and the elf set the egg down. Daisy uncoiled and slithered herself off his arm, beelining for the egg which she wrapped around. Cullen watched in slightly-repulsed fascination as the snake’s jaw seemed to unhinge and she began to swallow the egg whole.

“Maker’s breath,” he murmured, getting a look a small, sharp teeth that curved backwards.

Pria set out the remaining few eggs and helped herself to a little cold ham. “So…” she said, slowly and conversationally, “Can I keep her?”

Cullen looked away from the feasting reptile and back to the woman beside him, raised an eyebrow, “You were planning on not?”

“Well…maybe. If she bothered you that much, I was thinking I could give her to Josie and retain visiting rights.”

A grin tugged at his mouth, one that he fought but ultimately lost to. “Alright. Daisy can stay,” he said.

She smiled brightly and leaned in, a hand tangling in his hair to pull him down slightly into a deep, loving kiss, one that spoke a volume of _thank-yous_. He shivered, made a soft sound as she nibbled at his lip before pulling back.

“But I want a dog,” he added in a slightly husky tone. She laughed softly and rubbed her nose against his, wrinkling it playfully, “Then you can get a dog, vhenan. You can get a whole pack of them.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” he informed her as he pulled her against his chest, hands running along his waist as he tilted his head for another kiss. “Please do,” she replied softly, and moved in to meet him.

*****

_Two weeks later_

Dorian just happened to be passing by when he heard the scream, but given its volume and intensity, he would not have been surprised if the whole of Skyhold had heard it. Naturally, he paused in his walk, then half turned himself and changed course to the small vestibule just outside the great hall.

He found the Commander, standing with arms crossed over his chest and an amused, rather cocky grin on his face, and Sera, sprawled on the floor and covered in confetti. The archer was glaring at the human, and swearing the air blue.

“ _Not okay, Cully-Wully! You ‘ave to warn a body when you ‘ave somethin’ like that hiding!”_

“You’re the one who was trying to prank _me_ , Sera.”

“What’s happened, then?” Dorian asked.

The pair looked at him and Sera pointed an accusing finger at the Commander. “ _’e’s got a bloody—thing!—hidden in that stupid coat of ‘is!”_ she said.

Cullen bit his lip to keep from laughing. Sera huffed and clambered back to her feet, hastily dusting herself off, “Right, then! Just you wait, I’ll fix you! Stupid coat-hiding…stupid-arse!”

She turned on her heel and stalked off, nose in the air, and that was when Cullen lost his composure and began to laugh. Dorian settled for looking vaguely mystified. “Do I _want_ to know what the ‘bloody thing’ is?” he asked.

Cullen waved his hand vaguely and wiped his tearing eyes, wrestled a modicum of composure back. “I should thank you for that, Dorian. Without you I would now be covered in whatever it was she had in that bag,” he replied.

“Confetti, I would say. Pretend I know exactly nothing of what is going on, Commander, and explain.”

The Commander pulled the collar of his surcoat a little to the side and, curious, Dorian leaned in to peer at the man’s neck.

Two round, yellow eyes peered back at him from under the Commander’s coat, and a little forked tongue flickered into the air. Dorian stared, astonished, before a startled guffaw escaped him, “Why, Commander! What a charming little new friend you have!”

 “She wouldn’t get out of the coat this morning, so…” Cullen explained, looking a little sheepish and shrugging a shoulder. “She likes the fur.”

“So I see,” the mage said, grinning roguishly, “And what happened to the detestation I detected in our last discussion about your little side-kick?”

“Don’t gloat, Dorian. It will be harder to live with you.”

“You miss me when I’m not around, we both know it.”

Cullen rolled his eyes, “I have work to do. Good day, Dorian.”

Dorian waved as the Commander continued on his way, and a pair of arms wrapped around his, a chin rested on his shoulder. He looked down and found Pria standing beside him, leaning into his side, pouting.

“Saw it all, did you, darling?”

“Yes. Dorian, Cullen charmed and stole Daisy from me. She likes him better.”

“Aah, is _that_ how it happened?”

Her pout disappeared and was replaced with an impish grin, “Yes. He is definitely her preferred person.”

“Well, we can’t fault the girl for her tastes.”

“That we can’t.”

“Would you like me to procure you another, dearest Pria?”

“Oh, no, that won’t be necessary, lovely Dorian. See, I told him he could have a dog, so I’ll just make sure the dog likes me better when that happens.”

Dorian snorted and began laughing; Pria was not far behind.

**Author's Note:**

> SNEKS IN THE CASTLE!
> 
> Honestly, this came from practically nothing. I'm on a snake-trip, lately, and it seemed like the type of animal Dorian would give to his bestie as a gift. A cute little python because they look fabulous with anything, and seriously, who isn't going to pay attention when you have a snake draped around your neck?
> 
> I feel that Josephine would also like snakes, perhaps for a similar reason. She could definitely rock one as part of her ensemble.
> 
> Also, I adore it when animals claim a person as theirs, especially if that person isn't the person who originally adopted them. It makes me happy, and no one would see it coming, the pretty Chantry Boy with a Snake in his Coat. Nobody expects the Inquissssssition!
> 
> ...Yeah, okay, that one is a bust.


End file.
